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One Year

You know the cheesy saying "love fiercely"? To love someone fiercely, means to "believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn't come with guarantees..."
This describes Beckett perfectly. He loves us fiercely. The way he looks at his dad when he comes home from work, or when Lincoln gets on his level, or when I come back into the room he's in after walking away; that look is different than anything we've ever experienced. Beckett loves, without any hesitations or reservations. And this fierce love is reciprocated from us. I'm not sure I'm even explaining that adequately enough to understand but I am SO grateful that our family gets to experience this kind of love first-hand. He has taught me so much, and continues to make me a better version of myself, by his example alone.

I remember after having Beckett and being in the NICU with him, feeling very guilty because I could tell that within myself I was feeling different after I had him than I ever had after having Lincoln. There was an incredible amount of anticipation before he arrived because we knew there were going to be challenges with the potential of having a deaf child. When he finally was here, we could breathe a sigh of relief that we didn't have to worry about his movement in my tummy anymore, and were no longer having to be going to the doctor to check on him multiple times a week, but rather we were facing a whole new set of challenges with these new diagnoses that we received his first two days of life. 

Sometimes there is a wave of anticipatory grief that comes over me knowing life's moments that had already been robbed from him before he was even born. I used to think there was something wrong with how I was feeling, that I wanted to hold on to him forever and never let him go, because his time is not guaranteed. Over the course of this year I've realized that I shouldn't feel ashamed of the way my heart loves for Beckett.  

He has been on this earth for 365 days, and our lives are forever changed by his love.





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